I have another mostly photography blog to share with you from when I sort of slacked off in April. I was a bit tired and a bit blue in April. I needed a bit of time to sort out how I felt about being in the wheelchair and try to come to terms with the fact that my future probably won't be what I had thought it would. Before I get to the photography part though, I would like to share a health update.
I had thought that my legs were getting stronger recently. It seemed that I didn't need my wheelchair that often inside the house, as long as I stayed in the front part of the house (about 300 sqft or so), but still needed it outside of the house. Last Saturday, I had a little more trouble walking, which escalated into pretty serious difficulty breathing. I decided not to go to the hospital. Now most people roll their eyes and wag their fingers when they hear me make these kinds of decisions, but I do have reasons. I would never take this sort of risk with my son, but I tend to feel a little different about myself for several reasons. I am on chemotherapy, which means that it is harder for me to fight it off if I get the flu from someone else hacking in the waiting room. It has been a few months we have been trying to find answers, so I doubt anyone will figure it out that night. Sometimes rest does indeed help. In the ER, they don't tend to treat you all that nicely unless you are in critical condition. Mostly though, I'm tired. It is exhausting to go to the ER. It takes at least a day, disrupts our family life for about a week (Layne doesn't like the change in routine and reacts accordingly), I get even more doctors appointments, and generally makes life suck. How many more times am I going to have to call my Dad in the middle of the night to tell him I am seriously ill in the ER? Considering how often I have serious situations, I would like to only go to the ER if I am in the middle of dying or something new and serious happens.
Anyways, Sunday I felt a tad better, although still a little harder to walk. Then, Monday. Today. I can't walk on my own again, at all. I get news that I could be having nerve-related issues in my digestive system and my ears and need to talk to more of my specialists about the potential impact to my eyes and other areas. It has been a bit more difficult to see and hear (in fact, this was very difficult to write, even with my glasses on, which are less than 6 months old). I had to bring my family in to my weekly blood work session, because last time I could not give a urine sample, because I fell while trying to pee in that dang cup (it takes a bit of balance) and needed my husband to hold me up. So even with him holding me up, I still manage to pee all over myself. When we get home, Layne is lying flat out, limbs sprawled, screaming as loud as he can, because we had to wake him up from his nap to bring him inside, while I have fallen in the driveway and can't walk myself inside either, and of course the dog can't get left out, so she runs outside. Well, my husband is left to try to get all three of us into the house. He is a one of a kind, I tell you. Some new neighbors have been looking at us and shaking their heads, recently, not knowing that we do try, a lot, just some things are harder for us- like getting inside the house. So my husband has to scream at our pretty much deaf ancient dog to get her inside the house, while Layne is screaming something unintelligible, and literally dragging me inside, since we cannot get my wheelchair to the front door with me in it. Finally, we all got inside, but I think it took a lot out of our morale. Jonathan was worn out from doing all the work; Layne was tired from being woken up from his nap; the dog is always tired from being 17 years old; and I felt like life had beaten us. I thought, I am 26, can't walk, stand, carry my son into the house, move inside the house at my own will since the wheelchair doesn't fit, get to the bathroom by myself, cook dinner, and I'm covered in pee. You know when you are where you belong though, when you feel like life has beaten you, and then your whole family crowds around you in a hug and says it's okay. Even if you don't believe at that moment that it is okay, when a tiny baby voice says it, it's hard to argue. That little voice tells me between the lines that I have not failed.
So remember that one of a kind guy that I said managed to get us all inside the house? Another big moment in this past April was our fifth wedding anniversary. So much has happened in that short time span. We have had adventures and learned new things. We made a family jut perfect for us. We have been through sickness. We have laughed and cried. We have built a tiny house. We have fallen short, and we have exceeded. We have grown into adults. I mean, the amount we have aged is beyond the physical amount of time. I am always amazed when I see what we looked like when we got married compared to now, and even more so compared to when we met nearly 11 years ago. So are photographs from our anniversary in April. We were married in the Skagit tulip fields, so we go back there every year. Layne has come with us every year since we was born, except his first since he was in the NICU.
|This may be my favorite family photo|
|He wanted to kiss all of the flowers...|
|...and he succeeded in kissing quite a few of them|
|Aren't these ones neat shaped?|
|These ones remind me of the Evil Queen in fairy|
|I am a huge fan of picnics. Doesn't the sky look awesome? (I always leave my photos unedited, with the exception of rare cropping here and there)|
|I love this one. He has come so far- look how much air he has in that jump? And we thought he may not jump for a few more years. When they set their minds to it, kids can accomplish a lot of things you didn't expect from them.|
|Since we got married on Earth Day and for your 5th anniversary the traditional gift is something wood, I gave Jonathan berry bushes (you know, made of living wood) and we all planted them together.|